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Support » How do you deal with doubts? » April 3, 2019 9:05 am

Mimi wrote:

 I personally think trust can be rebuilt. But when you’re fighting against nature, you’re only going to delay the inevitable.

This line sums it up for me. It doesn't matter how much a gay spouse wants to stay together and make a marriage work. A gay spouse and a straight spouse are simply incompatible. It has nothing to do with how much he may genuinely love his spouse because I do think a gay person can love (or at least feel a deep, abiding affection) a person of the opposite sex. He will never be able to desire her or make her feel desired because it just isn't how he is wired. 

On the topic of open marriages...... it isn't my cuppa. I cannot separate the physical and the emotional. I cannot have a physical relationship with one person and an emotional relationship with someone else. 

Support » Straight Spouse of Crossdresser/Transgender » March 26, 2019 8:16 am

My STBX has fully transitioned, but like OoHC, I'm not sure exactly what kind of support you are looking for.

My kids were in their mid to late teens when my spouse came out. We tried to make it work for a year, but then I asked him to move out. That was several years ago, and we are currently going through the divorce process.

General Discussion » Gaslighting-What it is, Who has experienced it... » March 18, 2019 4:23 pm

My therapist defines it as trying to alter someone's reality.

So, my spouse presented himself to me as a heterosexual male. He took active steps to hide the trans thing from me. Every time he took steps to hide that truth he altered my perception of reality. He made me believe I was married to a heterosexual male when, in fact, I was married to a "trans woman."

General Discussion » Radical Acceptance » March 15, 2019 10:15 am

So, I noticed a couple of posts on this topic, and that same week it came up in my therapy session. She didn't call it that, but just talked about accepting the reality of my situation and the reality of who my spouse really is. The reality of who hir actions have shown hir to be. Accepting that things suck sometimes and that there really isn't anything that can be done about it. Learning to accept that you can't change someone's behavior, etc., and just focus on me and how I can react and what can I do about my own situation instead of hoping that someone else will take responsibility for hir actions. Accepting that I am in a situation and having to face consequences because of absolutely nothing I have done but rather what others have done to me.

And frankly, it is a tough pill to swallow.

For some of it, I can do it. I will admit, though, that I also have problems with this concept. At what point do you cease to accept the injustice that is being done? At what point do you say that I matter and I will not accept or allow you to take advantage of me any longer?

Or am I just misunderstanding it?

Support » How to move on but stay friends? » March 10, 2019 3:26 pm

I am with Red Hen on this one. When this all started, I had hoped we would be able to remain friends. As we so often here on this forum...... he was my best friend. 

Divorce, however, is an adversarial process, and I think it is really hard to come out of it on friendly terms. "Civil" is the best I can hope for now as our divorce is in the final stages. Sometimes I don't even get that. Maybe one day we can move from civil to cordial or even friendly. For now, though, I just want to get on with my new life, and it does not include my STBX.

Support » Moving on » March 4, 2019 12:55 pm

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Mimi,
   Here's a little of what I learned after I told my ex I'd had enough and began the divorce process. 
   Don't be surprised if now that you've indicated you're leaving that your ex becomes cold toward you and calculating in his approach to the separation of assets.  Mine ended up with more than 50% of our marital assets (I made a strategic retreat on the house in order to get him to buy me out) but still believes he somehow was hard done by.  He may feel betrayed by your leaving and that will come out as anger toward you....because...It's not his gayness that's the problem; it's your response to it!   At several points in our negotiations my ex said unbelievably hurtful things and displayed unreasonable anger toward what should not have provoked such a response.  If he produces a list of what he thinks is a fair distribution of assets/support, don't just agree or assume his list reflects what is likely to be awarded.  
       Make sure you have your own lawyer, one for you alone, who can advise you on what the law considers equitable.  Another reason you need a lawyer working for you is that you need someone thinking about you and you alone, and watching out for your interests.  If you are still focused on his pain, and worried about him, you are very likely to make financial concessions out of concern for him, out of the habit of putting him first, and this will hurt you down the road. You already know he's not going to be reciprocating in this respect.  I remember telling myself, "There's no more 'we'. There's only 'him' and 'me.'  And the only person who is going to look after me, the only person I can count on now, is me."  
   Don't drag out the process, either.  If your husband is closeted, he'll be worried that you're going to "out him," and this may make him more willing to deal.  You may have no intention to tell anyone, but his fear can work in your favor in negotiations in that he may be more willing

Is He/She Gay » Still so many questions » February 20, 2019 10:13 am

Yes, yes, and YES to everything Abby posted.

I know it is hard, but put all that energy into YOU! Do go back to your therapist who said you had experienced trauma. 

Distance yourself from him as much as possible, and as Abby mentioned, sever any financial ties you have with him.

You mentioned in an earlier post about hearing more of my story...... one day I will tell it. However, at the moment, I am going through the divorce process, so I am not posting much about my situation at all. One day it will be my turn. I haven't lost my voice forever - just temporarily choosing to remain silent because it is what is best FOR ME. Learn to make yourself a priority, too. Stop focusing on him or even his next fuel source. Once you are healed you can do that if you still chose to, but for now, it is about you.

General Discussion » It's not the the GID thing » February 17, 2019 8:36 am

OOHC, I just downloaded this song a couple of days ago. I like country music, but this particular song isn't my favorite style. Then a few days ago is came on and I listened to the words. Wow! I love it.
 

Support » Divorce advice » February 14, 2019 8:22 am

Laws vary greatly from state to state, so I imagine they vary even mores from country to country.

Definitely consult an attorney. While you are very unexperienced in divorce matters, they see it everyday -- including how divorce can bring out the worst in people.

One piece of advice....... think of this as a business decision. You are dissolving a business relationship and you are looking to get your fair share out of it. Even if you did not contribute financially to the relationship, your contributions enabled your business partner to grow and increase your "business." Also, businesses only get dismantled once, so this is your only shot at it.

I know that sounds cold, but for me anyway, looking at it like that made the whole process less emotional and easier to handle in that moment.

And that leads me to my second point...... start to think of your husband as your ex-husband or ex-business partner. You will always have the children in common and have to consider each other when it comes to their relationships with both of you and their well being. However, what impact your decisions will have on your STBX husband should not be a consideration. I am not talking about vengeful acts here because I assume you won't do anything with a specific purpose to harm him, but some actions you take to protect yourself and your children may, indeed, cause hurt feelings or something. That is no longer your concern. Does that make sense?

I wish you well, but please do get legal counsel. 

Support » Giving Ultimatums: Are they a waste? » February 7, 2019 4:18 pm

Stop looking her up or (what would you insert here?).

Are you willing to follow through with whatever consequence you throw down? If not, then she knows you are not serious.

Perhaps you could reframe it. Instead of an ultimatum, call it a boundary. In trauma groups, people talk about boundaries all the time. Boundaries are something you put in place to make you feel safe (emotionally as well as physically) while you work on yourselves and your marriage. So, you would tell her how it makes you feel, and then say if it continues, you will ______________. You are doing it not to punish her, but to protect you.

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