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Support » Forever Broken??? » Yesterday 4:10 pm

lily
Replies: 7

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Hi Andrea,

I was 57 when I discovered my ex really was gay and just denying it.  I literally fell to the floor in shock.  As I was lying there I promised myself that he could do what he wanted but I was not going to live his lie any more.

It's interesting how much it matters, I wasn't thinking oh I'm living a lie before that, but on the instant, there I am promising myself I won't let it happen any more.  I needed that promise to get up off the floor.

We were no longer running a business together.  I can't imagine what that's like, it wasn't long before I stopped cooking him dinner!  but I can imagine it makes it difficult to work out your financial options.  Sorry about the loss of your parents, nothing can prepare you for becoming an orphan, don't worry about the tears, they will come at some point.  But do talk to a lawyer if there is any inheritance involved, it might be better to separate your finances sooner rather than later.

You are working together - inevitably you are looking for his approval and amicability as you are in a working relationship.  He can manipulate you easily.  It's not a good situation to be in.

So yes, things could be a lot better.  three years is a long time to live like that.  I understand what you mean about being a mate for life species.  I am the same, I think it is like that for a lot of us.  It's a sort of Achilles heel, what makes us a good mate also makes it hard to identify and get away from a fake one.  He has always been the way he is.  He has chosen to use you all along.

It hurts like hell.  I likened it to waking up in the burns ward of life.  One day at a time.  If you can work towards telling more people and getting away from ex that's going in a good direction and if you feel like staying home under the duvet that's good too.

all the best, Lily

Support » A vent and please tell me I did the right thing » April 16, 2019 8:11 pm

lily
Replies: 4

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Hi, I think you can help yourself by remembering what happens if you let him stay.  How long does the love-bombing last?  not long - a matter of weeks.  Then it goes downhill and then you are suffering and worst of all you are giving yourself a hard time for being stuck with him.

There's not much point in hating him - do you hate crocodiles?  no, you just don't want to be caught by one.

All I can say is good for you.  Well done for putting him out of the house.  Well done for getting him on the back foot.  You are doing great.  Once the financial settlement is completed everything changes.  You will be surprised.  He just won't be feeling such a need to manipulate you.  Stick up for yourself now.  These are really hard yards you are facing at the moment.  He is being a real bitch.  

 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 15, 2019 2:50 pm

lily
Replies: 1378

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thanks Sean.  to make it 100% you have to agree that 'lying to yourself' isn't the same thing at all as lying to your date who doesn't have a clue you are lying, whereas you know.  but I think you do agree on that, don't you.



 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 15, 2019 7:32 am

lily
Replies: 1378

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in answer to your questions

I discovered the gay thing decades later.  of course I didn't know.

no

same shire, about half an hour drive

no, I am very sad about not having children but grateful I didn't have any with him.

re the differences

yes it was confirmed to me by someone who knew him back then that he had been sleeping with men.  also that he expressed his upset over the friend's rejection in a dramatic way.  (I think his friend is even deeper in the closet than he is)

a little less than 4 years difference - 19 to 23 when we met

I'm not sure how he viewed me when we got together but he wasn't using me to have a family, just to nursemaid him.

I do believe the majority of closet gays are using the straight to have a family so that is a difference that he didn't want that but other than that I don't see much difference.

I think there is a small percentage of closet gays who have not had sex before marriage because of the religious thing and tbh I find it hard to believe there is any but a very small percentage who have not at the least 'experimented' with the same sex as teenagers.  At 23 it would be more surprising if he hadn't had sex with men.  And then of course there's all the people who come here with second marriages/relationships - obviously they've all been having sex with men for years/decades and conscious they are looking for a beard.

I think there are differences between our stories and I think there are similarities, some of them uncanny.  And I think we learn about ourselves by seeing both where the similarities lie and the differences.  it's tough yards.

all the best, everyone.


 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 14, 2019 6:22 pm

lily
Replies: 1378

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Hi Sean,  I didn't double down when I knew he was gay, I hoped he might be a better friend now he wasn't keeping secrets, and I thought of myself as past it so who cares if I stay - but I turned out to be completely wrong about him, he liked me even less now I knew and who cares if I am past it - the shift to thinking about a divorce happened fairly fast once I knew.  

I had that instinctive sense that gay is a deal breaker.  

It all unravelled fairly fast from my perspective but he was reluctant to make the financial split more than anything and he cared about his closet most of all so it was a delicate negotiation - I won't talk about you being gay, you stop fighting the divorce - and took 18 months because of his actions not mine.

The repulsion I felt was on a visceral level, not for the person as a whole but for having sex with him.  Initially I was keen to have sex he looked fine to me and I had fallen in love in a mild sort of way but by my 30's it wasn't just me saying I don't think you like me, it was me too and I felt guilty for how I felt - not keen on him.  On an emotional level I think I was repulsed by his repulsion.

when you say you were a perfect fit for a while - that is like saying she wanted a broken man to fix and I don't know your wife but that certainly wasn't true for me.  I was prey to a deception.  If it is a good match then co-dependency is the recipe for a happy life.

there are numbers of real problems in straight marriages and I think the attraction of the closet gay person is that you have this sense that they won't give you those problems.  ah it's safe, he's not going to be chasing after other women or whatever.



 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 12, 2019 6:25 pm

lily
Replies: 1378

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thanks Sean, I enjoy our exchanges too.  

It's a bit different for my ex - I was still a teenager but he was 23 when we met.  He'd already had sex with men.  So no innocence in the mistake.  He loved his schoolfriend and was rejected by him - I think he's remained in a depressed state over that for his entire life.  His schoolfriend married a closet lesbian and we were two couples who were friends and I was the only straight one and I didn't know about them and none of them said a word.  He didn't want a family.  When I finally insisted we try for one he resorted to fake orgasms.!!!  when I said something about it not having produced anything he said nothing and looked at me as if I was crazy.  I thought I must have been mistaken.  I started to think I was crazy.

You, like most closet gays wanted the family.  He just wanted a nice woman to nursemaid him and none of those horrible men.  He's like a hermit crab.  Married or not, family or not, he loves his closet, just like his father before him.

I think gay can skip a generation - his nephew is gay for instance with two apparently straight parents.

When you say you were scared by AIDS scared of your family's reaction and socially scared to come out you are saying you were aware you were sexually attracted to men.  you weren't 'fiendishly rubbing your hands together' but you weren't caring about her either - you weren't thinking would she be better off with a man who desires her you weren't thinking about how good you were for her, just how good she was for you.  you weren't in love with her.

I can believe it was an innocent mistake to make, you're young and didn't know better, when we're young we are wondering am I in love yet, we don't know for sure.   

Support » Could this be a really bad Mid-Life Crisis » April 12, 2019 5:22 pm

lily
Replies: 9

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oh goodness.  You've been married 3 years.  I think you should go get advice about financial matters - what it could cost you to stay in the marriage longterm and then want to split up.

all the best, Lily

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 11, 2019 7:04 pm

lily
Replies: 1378

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I know there's a limit to how much you can discuss things, Sean, and fair enough.  but I am just going to say this - when you say that you entered the closet because everywhere you looked it was all heterosexual it really comes off to me as if you are blaming straights for you being in the closet.  I don't believe that is necessarily accurate at all - I see it more as the closet gay parents keeping their homosexual children in the closet with them.

If being in the closet was about social intolerance of gay then why would a gay person marry?  wouldn't they at least like to be themselves at home?  Being a bachelor might not be the same pinnacle of social acceptance as being a family man but it's not unreasonable.

Isn't the closet more about family, more about deceiving a straight into marriage, than anything else? 

Support » My wife says she is 80% gay... where to go from here? » April 8, 2019 4:48 pm

lily
Replies: 8

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yes, that is so refreshing to read.  Hi abc,

Most of the things I feel I should be saying to a new poster I don't feel the need because you have already said it - you have recognised she hasn't been honest with you from the start and isn't now.

I got stuck with my ex for a long time - it was decades before I realised he was GID.  one lone little thought crept across my mind before the shock set in - this is my get out of jail free card.

yes you feel a duty of care for her but from further down the track I can say that where I put my sense of care for my ex over my own interests, they are the bits I regret.  Not the other way round. 

wishing you all the best, Lily

Support » Upside Down » April 6, 2019 12:09 pm

lily
Replies: 14

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sorry to hear that - my commiserations.  

I know you believe you cannot love another woman but the antidote to despair is hope. Just in terms of homeostasis hope will come to you.  Either you can hope she will return to you or you can hope for a new love in the future.

Everything she has done is not going to stop you hoping for her return but the salient fact is she is a lesbian.  

She is a lesbian, you know you can never have a reciprocal love with her, it is a great fact to hold onto despite the pain it brings - she always was a lesbian, she never could have a reciprocal love with you - it changes your past.

I hope one day you meet a woman who can love you back as much as you love her.  But for now, look after yourself, someone who can love so deeply is worthy of their own concern.  

wishing you all the best, Lily

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